Translated from Latin, it’s “Department.” Thus, “Separation from parents” means the psycho-emotional gradual separation of the child from the adults who raised him and the becoming of his independent and independent unit. We talked to a psychologist about an important stage in everyone’s life and asked questions that are often inconvenient to ask.
It’s important to separate
Because adults who are not separated from their parents can be characterized by infantile behavior, inherent in many fears and phobias (fear of responsibility, fear of new acquaintances, fear of not encouragement, fear of employment, etc.), often there is dependence on others, irresponsible behavior and sometimes a riot lifestyle (manifestations of a teenager).
Stuck in one of the failed stages of separation blocks personal, social and professional growth. Sometimes people look much younger than their age. We can say that delaying with “separation” from parents deprives a person of his own life. Don’t forget, we’re all not eternal, parents are no exception. If a big “child” is left alone, he will simply get lost, will not cope with the piled responsibility and such a cruel world around him, because he was not properly adapted to him.
Separation gives a person freedom in life, the opportunity to live independently in a natural environment. And this is useful not only for children, but also for the parents themselves. You will no longer need to take care of the child every minute. Now you can let your child go into adulthood and do your own, take care of yourself and direct all the resources to yourself.
Stages of separation:
- From the very moment of birth to a year. The child becomes a separate unit from the mother. He learns to eat, walk, talk. At this stage, the most important thing for parents is not to suppress the child’s desire to do something themselves. For example: The child is already able to hold the spoon himself and bring it to the mouth. Often, parents still try to feed the child with a spoon on their own in order to speed up the feeding process and protect the space from unnecessary dirt. In this case, you need to give the child a chance to do it himself! Help him learn, tell him how best, but don’t do everything for the baby.
- It happens at the age of 3. The child begins to realize himself as an individual. He has his own desires, separate from his mother, his own opinion, vision of the world and irresistible “I want to do everything on my own!” At this stage, it is very important not to suppress the manifestations of the child’s personality. Talk, explain, try to understand yourself. If this is not done, the child will either activate the “Riot on the ship” program, or simply give up and lose initiative in general.
- Adolescence. It is considered one of the most difficult periods in a child-adult relationship. The teenager begins to question all the words of adults, devalues the experience of their elders, distances himself from relatives and trusts friends more and more. Attempts to “Adult Games” begin. At this stage, it is very important to listen to your child and trust him! If you don’t do this, it’s not a small person who will look for ways to cheat, lie, but still do what they want. In addition, strict prohibitions and restrictions only increase interest in the “prohibited”. Talk to your son/daughter honestly and explain what is good, what is bad, while asking if the child shares your opinion and if not, why. In this way, you can smooth most of the corners.
- The period after graduation. (17-20 years). At this age, if all stages of separation have been successfully passed, the child already knows how to independently solve difficult life situations, understands how to allocate his time, perhaps even how not to financially depend on parents. At this stage, an adult will need your support in determining the life path. The keyword is support, not the solution for it! There are a lot of situations around when parents are forced to study for an economist, doctor, lawyer, considering these professions prestigious, while the person himself wants to study to be an artist. Let a person go his own way. For a real adulthood, you need to learn to do not do what your parents said, but not in a way that you want adults to go against it, but to make your own choice and act in your own unique way. And if you are around at this moment, you should never be afraid of losing trust and losing a close relationship with such an adult and independent child. Now you are equal participants in the game of Life.
I would like to note the fact that all of these stages are work on both sides. If you do not see the child’s desire to take responsibility, which may be due to the reluctance to leave the comfort zone, then you, as a parent, should unobtrusively push your child. If you don’t do this, no matter how correctly you build this process on your part, the child simply will not overcome these stages.
What can be the pass to pass at least one of the stages? In fact, it’s not hard to guess. If you suppressed the independence of the child, then do not expect from him that at the age of 18 he will move away from you and start doing everything himself. If you did not put the interests of the baby in anything, then most likely an adult will have a constant internal conflict of his interests and how it should be.
Hyper care will lead to the fact that a man/woman will have no desire to build a relationship and family, because why, if mom and dad in the family have much tastier soup, and water is brought for the night, and in winter they will always dress warmer. If in adolescence you constantly banned everything, sworked, appealed with ultimatums, then wait for the continuation of the distance and perhaps even moving to another city.
Ignoring personal opinion will lead to the absence of personal boundaries, which can have a deplorable impact on interpersonal relations in adulthood. And one of the most deplorable scenarios, if a person puts his whole life only to please his parents and achieve the very missing “Well done!”
What should you do if you understand that the separation did not happen properly?
In this case, you have already taken a huge step, awareness of the problem is half of its solution. Now it’s important to understand where this “pit” is. As soon as you manage to identify the very essence of the problem, you can start solving it. For example, if your problem was suppressing the interests of your parents, it is worth remembering how this process should have taken place in action, then losing the same scenario in your life.
You can start with the little things. You like colorful and colorful things, but you’ve always been told that it’s alapisto, ugly. Now you can realize that the concept is beautiful and ugly is very subjective and allow yourself to dress exactly as you think beautiful. Then gradually introduce into your life exactly what you want, not what seems right.
Or another example. You have been too cared for all the time and you understand that you are absolutely not independent. We’re acting according to the same scenario. You need to learn how to solve problems yourself, live life situations, etc. We imagine that you are going through this stage of separation right now. We start with simple things, start cooking for yourself, take care of your things yourself, analyze situations yourself. Then, if you want to consult your mom/dad when making a decision, give up this idea and consult only yourself. Little by little you will get used to the fact that you can cope with everything yourself, and you will understand that everything is not as scary as it seemed.
If you have already begun to separate from your parents, but they do not want to let you go at all, I advise you to just sit down and talk to them. Explain everything you personally realized for yourself. To say that you are detached not because you have been disloved or want to see them less, but because you want to be independent and live your life, you achieve personal happiness. Any parent wants the best for their child, relate that this is the best outcome for you. Mention that this will be a plus for them as well. These conversations will lead you to a better understanding of each other and finally allow you and your parents to live their own lives.
