Infidelity. To Forgive or to Break Up

One of the most common reasons for divorces among married couples is considered to be infidelity by one of the partners. The question that arises once the fact of infidelity is revealed is: to forgive or to break up?

Infidelity can be linked to disharmony in the marital relationship, a desire to get back at the partner, insecurity about the relationship’s stability, or an attempt to boost self-esteem. Often, infidelity results from unmet emotional needs, such as love and closeness, and occurs not only due to issues in the sexual sphere of the partners.

The impact of marital infidelity on the relationship between spouses depends on the stage of family development when it occurs. Infidelity that happens during normative family crises can exacerbate them.

Every family goes through different stages or phases of relationship development. Let’s look at the positive and negative aspects of each stage:

Stage 1. Infatuation (hormonal surge, passion, and sexual attraction vs. anxiety and doubts about reciprocity)

At this stage, the relationship is driven by excitement and passion, fueled by hormonal changes and strong sexual attraction. However, there are also anxieties and doubts regarding the reciprocity of feelings and the reliability of the relationship.

Stage 2. Marriage Without Children (strengthening intimacy and partner attachment vs. diminishing romance)

In this stage, the marriage strengthens through the development of intimacy and attachment between partners. However, over time, romance may fade, and the emotional intensity may decrease.

Stage 3. Parenthood (reliability and support of the partner vs. lack of intimacy and changing family roles)

The parenthood stage is one of the most challenging periods in relationships. The integrity of the family largely depends on the type of attachment between partners and their ability to adapt to the role of parents, as well as dealing with changes in family roles.

Stage 4. Mature Love (the opportunity to start anew and fall in love with your partner again vs. the risk of losing connection and feeling that the relationship has run its course)

At the stage of mature love, the couple has the opportunity to start anew and fall in love with their partner again. However, there is also the risk of losing connection and feeling that the relationship has run its course.

Is there a period when infidelity is more likely?

It is important to remember that conflicts in the family can occur at any stage of relationship development. They are most common during transitions from one stage to another or when there are changes in the family structure.

Families that manage to handle crisis periods and resolve conflicts are more likely to maintain their integrity. This means that partners will not need to involve a third party in their relationship to “extinguish” the conflict.

It is believed that every 5-7 years, spouses should reassess the distribution of responsibilities considering changes in family structure or increased demands on one partner due to various life circumstances (such as caring for elderly family members, job changes, illnesses).

Factors that may contribute to infidelity:

Lack of Communication

Partners need to understand what is acceptable and what is not in their relationship. If a wife’s poor health or a husband’s prolonged business trip becomes a difficult challenge, leading one partner to seek companionship elsewhere, it’s important to be aware of such situations.

Therefore, key tasks for spouses at all stages of their life together include:

• Not ignoring relationship problems.
• Discussing anything that bothers or is important to them.
• Talking about difficulties and misunderstandings.
• Learning to negotiate.

Reluctance to Address Conflicts

It is impossible to live life without encountering conflicts. The main task of a couple is to discuss problems, listen, and hear each other. The partners’ flexibility and their ability to engage in dialogue will help them adapt and cope with life’s crises.

When there is no dialogue or willingness to resolve conflicts, one partner may seek support in extramarital relationships.

Sexual Stereotypes

Stereotypes often lead people to suppress their own thoughts and feelings. The topic of sex is often tabooed, making it difficult for partners to overcome stereotypes and follow their own feelings.

Under the influence of these stereotypes, people may not understand each other’s true sexual needs. If one partner is not willing to discuss these needs, the other may seek satisfaction elsewhere.

Relationship Stereotypes

Traditional roles in the family, such as “man as the provider, woman as the homemaker,” are becoming outdated. Women now work alongside men, seek professional fulfillment, and expect support from their husbands, including help with household duties and childcare. If a woman does not receive this support, she may look for understanding and warmth elsewhere. Men, adhering to stereotypes that their role excludes caring for children and household chores, may struggle with their wives’ dissatisfaction and seek support from another woman.

Infidelity often leads families to seek help from a psychologist. If there is a “symptom,” it means it has a function that can help stabilize the relationship and reduce the anxiety of one or both partners. Dealing with feelings after infidelity can be challenging without professional assistance.

Recommendations for the partner who has been cheated on:

• Don’t suppress your feelings
  Allow yourself to experience and express your emotions. Bottling up feelings can lead to accumulated stress and negative consequences.
• Don’t be afraid to ask for support and help
  Reach out to friends, family, or professionals. This can help you cope with the emotional burden and receive the support you need.
• Engage in physical activity
  Exercise helps improve mood, reduce stress, and maintain overall health.
• Pay attention to your diet
  Healthy eating is important for both physical and emotional well-being. Proper nutrition can contribute to a better mood and overall state.
• Start a journal
  Keeping a journal can help you work through your feelings and thoughts. It can be a useful tool for self-reflection and understanding the situation.
• Don’t forget to treat yourself
  Allow yourself to do things that bring joy and pleasure. This can help reduce stress and improve emotional well-being.
• Explore the world, try new things
  Pursue new hobbies or interests that can distract you from negative thoughts and help you find new sources of satisfaction and joy.
• Seek professional help
  A therapist or family counselor can help you navigate your feelings, understand how to deal with infidelity, and find ways to either repair the relationship or make a decision about ending it.

Forgiving infidelity or not is ultimately a personal choice. It’s important to assess the impact of such an event and determine whether preserving the relationship or ending it is more important to you. A family therapist can help the couple address pressing issues, discuss their feelings, and rebuild their relationship. After this work, it will be easier for the couple to make a decision about the future of their relationship.